I thought I got rid of you, i locked you away. But here you are…please go away. I just dropped to my knees in the rain and cried out to God for help… I love her and I know she loves me. I asked for guidance for us both…she means that much to me. So go away back to where I locked you up. You are not wanted here , nor were you ever.
xmas cheer
or lack there of…as i sit here drink after drink, sinking ever so deeply into depression, i say fuck christmas. I have come to loathe this time of year. i gave my life to someone, i gave my soul. they threw it away, took me for granted and took my family life away from me because of their selfish behavior. I forgave…i moved on. but even in moving on, it has taken a huge part of me. it , being depression, devoured my happiness and part of my soul. Christmas brings me to the edge, where i have to look down in the pit where my soul and happiness was left after it was used up and thrown away. if i step too close, i will be lost forever. i know this but , like a child, i tend to do things that are not too smart. i walk on the edge, knowing i could fall. so to all i wish eternal happiness, although i know you can not achieve it…its a joke, a falsehood, a fairytale so to speak. just like the xmas cheer everyone peddles like drug dealers. HAVE SOME CHRISTMAS CHEER< TIS THE SEASON! takes your drug you call cheer and push it over the cliff…my sould is lonely down there….happy xmas cheer
the suffering
sad…it’s a simple word. three easy letters. one of the first words we learn as a child. As children, we grasp the concept so easily. We knew when we were sad. You can’t even remember the first time you were sad. But at the time, a time before your mind can physically remember, you knew it. And you expressed it. you expressed it LOUD!…As we get older, sometimes we no longer know what makes us sad. sometimes we just are. We wake up sad, we live sad day to day. And we are no longer very loud about it. If anything, we are experts on being silent. We hold the sad in. We relish it. When did we learn to do this. When we let our parents know we were sad as infants, the loved us and mad the sad go away. As adults, we are made to think something is wrong if we are sad. Oh look at him, he is always so sad and depressed. He has no reason to be that way. Maybe we don’t have a logical reason, but there is a cause to it. I am sad. I live it everyday. People say “just” get over it. not so simple. IT envelops everything I do or say. I hide it. I bury it. I dig it up and I play with it.I bury it again. One day i hope to bury it deep enough, so deep it will grow roots and blossom into something beautiful. Something I can hold onto. But until that day….I dig..i go through the suffering…and i dig some more.
lateralus
like a Fibonacci spiral, i look into the void for more knowledge. seeking knowledge is never ending, just as its spiral. I have sought knowledge my whole life. usually of things of a little left of center. Things out of the norm, out of the main stream, things on the darker side of life. i love the darker side of things. there is so much unknown beauty in darkness. someone looking at a dead bird may think, gross. I look at it as a thing of beauty and light. i look at the bird and think, the bird lived, it took care of itself and maybe other birds. it saw things a human could never see. it never felt fear flying at 500 ft without being held up by a wire. it never worried about fashion or what other birds though of it. it lived a carefree life. you may see a carcass, i see a life well lived, a thing of beauty. and in its death, it feeds life.ants and bugs and other animals feed off of the bird. they take in its essence. they live off its journey and they continue the journey. and so it spreads. when we die…we die. nobody takes us in. we seal one another off, and bury our history with it. we only hope that our soul journeys on into another realm.
as i have gotten older, i have become more vocal on my thoughts. some people do not like that. they are worried i am too angry. am i angry?…yes. but i am angry at others for being close minded human beings. people saying they believe one thing but act another way. my family is full of religious zealots. PRAISE JESUS they say. BE A CHRISTIAN they say. but behind they veil they hate other family members, they judge when the claim only one judges. they are practicing sloppy hipocrisy at best. they stopped seeking new knowledge and settled for what the know. and no i am not blasting christians. all religions do this. it saddens me…it angers me…it even insults me. they look at me being weird or not thinking what they think as me not being as msart as they are. like if i just “got it” i could live the glorious life they do. sorry, i want to continue to grow. i want to find happiness within my self by growth. by expanding myself, by letting others feed off my knowledge. i want to experience what others cant or wont. nobody can feed off my remains, so i must spread what i learn throughout my life. if that means you may have to hear me rant, then fine. you may not like what i have to say, but at least you will have more to live off of than you did before. whatever you learn, spread it to another. keep the spiral going, never let it stop. spread your wings and fly until you fall to the ground, because whatever you hold inside, will be too late.
i have had some events as of late that have made me sit back and really think of things.from all of my thoughts, the simplest way to put it is
always think…always grow…always spread your wings and fly…never stop or you die..damn those that get in the way because those that are in the way, are probally already dead
betrayal ends the suffering
betrayal by a loved one is a kiss of black death. a stinging pain that is only healed by time and sometimes not at all.only to be covered up in the mind by a thin veil of memories that are not strong enough to hold it back at all times. I just found out that i was kissed by black death. it shoots through the body like i would think heroin would. burning my veins and wrecking my heart and mind. there is so little for me to say about this. it will force me to make a decision about a relationship i have with someone. I have been wondering what to do about it for a long time now, I guess betrayal ends the suffering…
and starts anew…
reliving it all
last few days for me have been kinda hellish.I think be and my girlfriend ended it yesterday.I say I think, because women are crazy.well, most of the ones I have dealt with have been. Tells me she IS going to quit drinking and after a nite of drinking because some friends were over, she comes to bed hammered andkicks me out of the bedroom again. I have had it and told her nothing was changing.this turned into a two day brawl were she says she isnt quiting all the way, i have no right to tell her to run her life, etc, etc, etc. Long story short, we’ll see if she sobers up and makes a decent decision for herself. Meanwhile, back at the bat cave, I have most of my possession stored in a 10×20 storage unit. They almost doubled the price since January so I am taking two days off to move it all. My life in pictures, cd’s, furniture,and everything in between. I know I am going to go through things again and throw out more which is going to be hard. Plus my ex wife and her fiance’ are going to help some. Even though they are friends of mine, it is still going to suck. I left her. Now she is happy and I am the one in this place I am in now.Mentally. Not fair how she abused our relationship and I was the one who had a nervous breakdown and lost my job of$60,000/yr. I had to find a new career. I could go on and on. Don’t feel pity. I let it happen. I could have stopped it years ago but I was too young and didn’t understand what to do.Not a very interesting post, but eh, what the hell.I am sure something will happen in the next few days that will warrant a great post. Until then, I will be reliving it all.
take another sip honey
My first marriage had its up and downs. And I mean that by things were thrown and they fell down on the other side of the room. Usually inches from my head. I knew from the start we were going to have problems. She showed signs of issues right after we were married. She was popping pills to get attention and drinking heavily. None of this was focused at me. It was focused at her mother who was one of the most verbally and mentally abusive women I have ever known. She poured out her anger and sadness, her need for a quality relationship with a proper mother, all around me. I was the one that took the brunt of it all. I wanted out but having a non participating father as i grew up that went through marriages like used cars, i was the guy that was GOING to make it work. We married young. I was 21 and she was 20. We had our first child in 1998. We split up and got back together in early 2002. Our second was born in 2004. After he was born, it went really down hill from there. She was riddled with pills from her phych doctors. She would take them then go off without telling me. Drinking everynite. Then her mother came down with breast cancer.Deeper down the slope she went. When she died, she went into a spiral to a deep dark place worse than hell. Alcohaul and pills were her best friends.Then her beloved grandfather passed away while she was on a trip. Stuck in Florida, her family did not delay the funeral till she could get back.This was one of the final straws. I went off on the family.Even though i knew we were over, i still stood up for her. I was no saint by no means, but this was just ridiculous.After she returned , I was even attacked by one of her drunken uncles in front of my kids because of the things i said to them. withing a year, we were seperated and divorced a year later…
Now to my current girlfriend.She was a longtime friend of mine and my ex. We ended up together after my split from my wife. all details aside and for further posts, she also has a drinking problem. I laid it on the line this past week. I said I have had enough! I am tired of being the victim babysitter of people that do not want to take responsibility for their actions!. When she drinks we fight. I stay sober…she drinks nightly. Not always bad, but nightly. She is drunk 3 to 4 times per week. Of those nites I am with her, she starts the mouthing everytime. It’s all or nothing i told her. Either she quits or I am gone. Not sure she believes me. So go ahead, take another sip honey…
where to begin
not sure at what point of my life i want to let go on here. Maybe my absentee right wing christian guilt bearing father. Maybe the childhood i had, being the chubby kid with no self esteem, but that seems too easy. Maybe my trials with Christianity, Satanism, Luciferianism, Paganism and Buddhism, May failed marriage, very vanilla and all too common of a topic. But intertwined together in my life, they have meshed together like a fine woven rug and worn against each other like sandpaper on the petals of a delicate flower. so where to begin, I am not sure…but soon I will begin.Why not, I’m off the meds.
new to blogging, lets enjoy the ride…
Hello world!
test
imoffthemeds 